For the most part, I try to keep my personal life to myself when it comes to the blog. There are certain things that I don’t want the world knowing (and I’m sure if there are parties involved, they would agree as well). But then – there are times when I am going through something personal that I want to make public for a number of reasons. Blogging has become an outlet for me to express my inner thoughts and where I can ask for advice. I’ve connected with so many women over the years who are experiencing, or have survived, similar situations… so today I am hoping that I might find someone out there who knows how I am feeling.
Yesterday I hit my head on the freezer door and it kind of hurt. It didn’t hurt so bad that I needed to cry, but I did cry. I cried a lot. I cried as hard as if I had my foot run over by a school bus. Annabelle knew something was wrong with me and kept apologizing – she hugged me tight and rubbed my back. Brandon brought me an ice pack for my head. But I kept crying and had to take a few moments to sit by myself in the dining room and let it all out.
That bump on my head seemed to be what broke the wall of the dam holding my river of emotions together. The last month has been emotionally exhausting and I’ve not been myself. I’ve felt everything from overwhelming joy to painstaking sadness. I’ve laughed, cried, yelled, stomped my feet, prayed for peace, jumped with happiness – pretty much run through every feeling one could imagine in a matter of 30 days (or less). The only other time I have felt this way was when I had a bout of postpartum depression after weaning Annabelle. What’s strange is that I am pregnant … and yes I know my hormones are all out of sorts, but why are they THIS wild?
What is supposed to be one of the most joyous times in my life has recently felt like a bad dream, mostly because I am in a constant state of regret. Regret that I can’t take back the harsh words that seem to fly out of my mouth or the time I’ve wasted in a rotten mood. My family has taken the brunt of my hostility and while I know they forgive me for being a kook, it doesn’t mean that I am not disappointed in myself for behaving in the way that I have.
We prayed for the little girl growing inside my belly maybe harder than you (my readers) will ever know. She is our little miracle and I should be over the moon at all times. I try to remind myself of this in the midst of seeing red or black, but there are times when my emotions are out of my control.
So what does one do? I’ve tried my essential oils – talked my best friend Kim’s ear off – cycled at Flywheel – and distracted myself with books. I love on Annabelle, listen to uplifting music, and count the number of ways I am blessed. I attempt to do all the things that SHOULD make me calm and happy – but that ugly nasty monster called hormones sneaks up behind my back and breaths fire in my face.
To all my pregnant readers – or Mommas out there – during your pregnancy, did you ever feel out of control emotionally? If so, what did you do? How did you stay grounded when you felt like you were floating off into outer space?
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