As you pause to reflect on a year like no other this holiday week, what are you grateful for? Finding gratitude in 2020 may seem impossible – but hidden in the darkness there is something to be thankful for.
For many people, 2020 will be the year stored at the back of our memory closet. There’s too much pain and anxiety, plus an overwhelming amount of uncertainty, associated with the last nine months. I will never forget drowning in my own dark emotional abyss. I felt hopeless battling Covid-19, dealing with PTDS after the virus, and while grieving two of my family members.
Losing a Sense of Gratitude
I began therapy a few weeks after my Covid-19 diagnosis. In the beginning of my treatment, I told my therapist I feared the virus had changed me forever. My heart felt dark and heavy, optimism an impossible task with the current state of our world. I lived in fear of becoming sick again, afraid to fall asleep at night because I worried I would never wake again. Nausea would sweep over me as I considered the outcome were a family member to become sick too. I spiraled quickly, especially after my Grandpa passed away from Covid-19.
I asked my therapist if I would ever feel the same again. Her reply rendered me speechless: “Well, what if you don’t ever go back to the old Caitlin? What’s the worst that could happen?”
Truth be told, I was not in love with my old self. There were a lot of things I wanted to work on – being a better Mom, wife, friend, and sister. If I really thought about it, I often felt angry, anxious, moody, and lost – despite moments of happiness. I started to consider the upside of the situation – maybe there was something better on the other side of this darkness?
Guess what?
There is.
On the other side of the darkness is light.
Finding Gratitude in 2020
Seven months later I can see more clearly than I ever have. My life is not perfect and I’m okay with that. There is still a lot of sadness inside my heart, but I am able to focus on a good moment without letting it consume me. Gratitude is possible if you break life down to appreciating seconds and minutes instead of days and weeks.
Sometimes I’m actually thankful to have had such a difficult year. After spending 55 days thinking I would never be healthy again, I now take a moment to thank my body for all it does at the end of every day. Being isolated from my family was extremely difficult, so I cherish our moments together more than ever. Patience is a virtue, and a skill I’m still working on, but I‘m trying – because I only get once chance to do this thing called life.
I am a completely different person than I was one year ago today – and I am grateful for that. I didn’t pull myself from falling down the black hole alone – my family and friends were never stopped reaching out. My husband has been a constant source of positivity and our children – a reminder of all that is good. Therapy strengthens my mental health on a weekly basis and I’m still learning how to cope with my anxiety.
On this Thanksgiving I will give {a small} thanks to this dumpster fire of a year – for being so terrible I was forced to change, to look at life differently, and to truly appreciate every breath I take on this Earth.
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